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Available in an easy-to-find-and-open bottle, the new shampoo is also guaranteed to give children a “healthy dose of reality.”

“You’ll notice a difference after just one use,” said Michelle Baker, head of new product development. “Whether it’s your newborn’s more hardened appearance, the way he now approaches people with guarded skepticism, or just that look on his face that says, ‘Oh wait, maybe life isn’t all hugs and kisses and rainbows. Maybe I need to get my fucking act together.’”

Added Baker, “Johnson & Johnson will kick your baby’s ass into gear.”

Just sayin’. [via the Onion]